Thursday, September 18, 2008

Why..?

Why does it always happen so sudden..?

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Today I had History SPM trial exam, and I sux..! Most of the things I read didn't came out in the paper! But I memorized some of the things about "Renaissance" for the essay part~ but I still forgot some of it.. D=

Just now when I arrived home from school, no one's at home.. I thought my mum would be at home 'cause she's on leave today D= So I called her phone but she didnt pick up just as usual la..
Later after I finished bathing, my dad called, so I asked whether mum was with him.. Then he passed the phone to my mum, and I asked where they are.. My mum didn't answer my question, but she said something else...




















My grandma(mother's side) just passed away.


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I burst into tears immediately.. Why does it happen so sudden..? I HATE DEATH!!!

It's good that my grandma finally passed away 'cause she's been suffering for years since few years ago she went into the hospital and nearly die.. After she survived, she started become skinnier until there's no flesh anymore (you can see her veins etc visible through her skin)..
Just like any person who became old, she began to forget things.. I don't even know whether she remembers me or not 'cause she doesn't look straight at me but not to my sis and the others...

It's really too sudden 'cause we just visited her few weeks ago and I didn't expected that.. I think so does anyone else.. I wonder does my sis knows it already..? Maybe my parents won't be telling her first 'cause today she just finished her exam and then went celebrate with her classmates..

Last year in November(or October) my grandaunt(father's side) passed away.. Start from that death, I become more afraid of death than before.. Last time before the day my grandaunt passed away, we just visited her in the hospital (she got coma), and then the next day she's gone..
Now, it's my grandma's turn..
Grandparents.. now there's only one left - my grandma(father's side)..

I know that some of you might think it's not a big deal 'cause ur grandparents had passed away for a long time ago, but it's still..

Ughh.. I just really hate death..! It's really scary 'cause it just happen so suddenly..! I've always been afraid that the next day/hour/minute/second one of my family, my friends or anyone I know(include my idols/fav artists!) pass away..! And of course I also afraid it would happen the same thing on me too..!

I don't wanna have any sickness or disease that will cause death or involve in any accidents.. I don't wanna die yet..!! There's too many things that I wanted to do! I wanna finish my SPM then study the things I want! I wanna learn electric guitar and other instruments! I wanna perform in a band! I wanna go to Japan, to visit hide's grave, visit GLAY Museum and hide MUSEUM, go to X JAPAN and GLAY's concerts, buy all hide/XJAPAN/GLAY related stuffs(cds, dvds, merchandises etc), buy the things I want, go to Japan with my family, become a great guitarist, a photographer, a hair stylist, a make-up artist, a guitarist(again) etc etc ETC!!
There's too much things to do in this world and I'm not ready to go or let go anyone or anything yet..!

Maybe I dream too much about all of these, but all of these might come true, unless you're dead, all of your dreams will be ruin.
If I'm still alive, I might have chances to perform in a band, and all other stuffs..! Who knows? All of them are in the future..!

Death is just making everyone down and sad.. It's just horrible...!! Look what happened when hide died?! Some of his fans "followed" him by suicide, the others cry like craps..! Until now - 10 years++ later, many fans still can't believe that he's already dead for more than 10 years (including me)!! I don't even know what will happen to me if I'm already his fan before he died! Maybe I'll suicide too?! NO!! Suicide SUX!!! I'll be crying like crap too!!!

Sigh.. but.. this is "the life" right..? If there's birth, there must be death..



SUX!!!



...Why does it happen during my trial exam..? I still have 2 more subjects left (3 day exclude weekend) then I'm free...! ... Tomorrow after I came back to school we'll going to my grandma's home..





4 comments:

kim-chan said...

I understand how you feel.Kaede. If me, I hope your grandma don't passed away first because of death =/. But then, you said is better to let go to end her suffering. Which means you became matured to think that way. =D

Eventhough, you doubt will she remember you or not before this moment happened, I can tell you that now and forever onwards, your grandma will remember you. And she will proud of you too! Because this incident makes you stronger! you want to live and fulfill your dreams and goals!!!~

Kei-chan SMS me and told me about your both grandma's death around 5pm something on the same day...I feel bad too =(

Good luck to your remaining exams!~be more stronger than before!!~ ^___^ I feel touched actually after reading this post of yours LOL

akiramenai de!! ^^

阿仔 said...

*別把死看得那么灰,人生就是那樣的短暫,
treasure everything that you have now...cheers my friend~

KaedE said...

kim-chan: thx.. =)

ahboy: so kekshui u use english..|||

阿仔 said...

*是啦,是啦~~~以後我寫回華文啦~